


walking through white roses

by orphan_account



Category: Magisterium Series - Holly Black & Cassandra Clare
Genre: A/B/O Universe, Calron, F/M, M/M, WinterHunt, aaron lives but callum is still imprisoned, but later, but not anything major, celiahunt is sort of there, please give jasper love, the information isn't all the same as what the book says but most of it is correct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 14:32:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11580006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: five+one; five times jasper thought he was strong until he wasn't.





	walking through white roses

one; he presents as an omega. his room smells like the chrysanthemums and cherry blossom trees blooming on the grounds of his family's manor, their scent twenty times as strong and churning in his stomach. the heat spreading through his body is pain. it's pleasure mixed with the pain. it's disgusting. he hates it. he hates everything. he's in pre-heat and his parents aren't home. 

he then thinks about his parents. mother's reaction to an omega. father's reaction. pain. heat. pleasure. 

" _you're disgusting._ "

he blacks out.

he wakes up to shrewd dark chocolate eyes. he sees them melt, and then he notices that he is cold. there is no pain and pleasure. there is only pain. he sees them in those four eyes. he catches something that looks similar to hatred. they hurl soundless words at each other through a short-lived staring contest.

he is due for the magisterium in two weeks to participate in the iron trial. heats last one week. he has time. 

they offer him a white bottle on wednesday. he reads the label and ignores the risks. it says 'heat suppressants.' he grimaces and agrees. even though the family doctor warned him that taking these pills is not recommended until after the fourth heat, he takes them anyway. 

he is not an omega. he refuses to accept his biology. he will be an alpha. he will succeed. he will revive the family. he will make his parents proud. he will show everyone who think the dewinters are disgraces that they are wrong. he will be the perfect child. he will live up to impossible standards. he will reach the top. he will be first. he will win.

_he is an alpha._

the corners of his mouth twitch up. he unscrews the white bottle and takes out an equally as white pill. he takes it and swallows. he is done.

his body feels as it was before. sterile. clean. pure. fine. 

he is not disgusting anymore. he is not a disgrace anymore. he is not a failure. his teeth show in his grin.

on saturday, his parents smile at him for real. they have noticed his scent. it's not there. he smiles back. he is strong. he will win. 

he _has_ to win.

 

two; he passes. he is accepted into the magisterium, as was scheduled. everything is according to plan. 

well, not _everything._

he's sitting, now, waiting for the master that will pick him.

that boy came out of nowhere. he came out of nowhere feeling less than unappreciative about winning anything in the trial and utterly failed at everything and still, still, _still_ , he was chosen by master rufus. the same master rufus that he himself was aiming for. 

he heard the name. it wasn't his. 

why wasn't it his?

it was 'callum hunt.' it wasn't 'jasper dewinter.' the three names were 'tamara rajavi,' aaron stewart,' and 'callum hunt.' 

no dewinter. no jasper. not him.

in his peripheral vision, he leers at the boy that thrashes around in the standby mages' arms. _ungrateful_.

callum hunt stole his spot. he needed that spot. he wanted it. his parents had breathed it into him and he had breathed it himself. _get master rufus._

less than satisfactory by his parents' standards. (and maybe his own standards, too; he describes himself.)

he feeds himself lies that he knows are probably incorrect and incorrigible to even think about. callum hunt used bribery, trickery, deceit, intimidation (unlikely, he thinks), anything, something to convince master rufus that he isn't useless compared to a boy with absolutely no magical prowess and a lacking will to be accepted into the magisterium, much less chosen by master rufus.

_why?_

he feels tears threatening to pull from his eyes. he wills them away. he feels the hateful glares from his parents. he is sullen. he is disappointed. he is crushed. 

he is disgraceful. he is terrible. he will never meet his parents' impossible standards. he's stupid. he still wants to.

there is no way.

he winds up chosen by master milagros, along with four other students. his soft, black hair styled casually shades his face from the stares he is definitely getting. he hears no applause. he hasn't expected any. he doesn't deserve it.

he smirks when he struts up to the stage, sending a hate-filled stare in callum's direction. he's tarnished the dewinter name again, but he will get through it. he will deal with master milagros. he will become the best mage in the magesterium. better than callum. better than aaron. better than tamara.

when he stands on the stage sandwiched between celia and gwenda, he stands tall. he will act like he is proud, and then, after a while, he will be proud. he will make his parents proud, too.

he always has to win.

 

three; he shouts and screams and kicks and punches the table (he regrets hitting anything because his knuckles are bruised and red; so is his foot) that his spell book is resting on. he almost throws the book, but he is pretty sure that master milagros will make him skip lunch and sort out sand grains. he is in the library. no one is there with him. he feels like crying. he is not good enough. there is no 'yet.' it is _never._

he will never be good enough. he can't even do a simple fire spell. he feels anger. anger connects to fire. why is it not shooting out from his hands? he can feel the heat gather at his fingertips; nothing happens. he is done. he is finished.

he gives up.

when he is about to storm out of the library, celia enters it. he stops. he can almost see the metaphorical lightbulb go off above his head.

"celia?"

she turns her head, her blonde curls bouncing energetically as always.

"would you help me?"

he is not embarrassed. this is hardly anything compared to everything he's lost.

at night, after a great deal of sneaking in the circuitous halls and looking both ways and hiding with the help of advanced air magic, he and celia finally reach the library. 

she asks him to help her with spells. he agrees.

he tries a great deal. not one single spark. no heat. he is angry and upset. he thinks he might cry this time. celia suggests that they take a break. he declines and declares that he needs to be the best. she replies with the time. he is surprised. it's two am in the morning. he feels guilt pooling in his gut but says nothing because his focus is then pulled away by warren's annoying voice. that stupid elemental. he should put it in it's place.

as he turns, he notices a figure too large to be a lizard. he swallows and narrows his eyes. his fury returns when he recognizes the voice.

"are you following me?"

his voice is laced with poison. he grits his teeth and sets his jaw. he sits up straight. he almost hisses. he is scared.

callum says something idiotic. predictable.

jasper rants. he doesn't know what he rants about, but he does it. he feels celia's hand on his arm but he ignores her and speaks, his voice with an edge. he thinks callum is amused by his anger. his voices rises in volume and he realizes that he's crying.

"my family lost everything in the second war! money, reputation–"

he shouts now. he doesn't care if anyone hears. then he quiets.

"if i can be the best, if i will ever be the best, i can change everything. i can restore that. i will be _perfect._ "

he doesn't think callum understands. no one understands anything.

he hears callum retort something when he tells the brat to 'get out or i'll tell master milagros you were sneaking out at night' but the other leaves regardless. 

he plops back down in his seat and puts his head in his hands. he can hear celia sigh quietly and feels her hand rubbing gentle circles on his back. he sobs.

he tells her everything and she listens. celia doesn't judge him. celia is patient with him. she is the nicest person he has met since tamara (his image of tamara is destroyed now. callum has messed with her head; that's why she dumped purple slime pudding on his head, ultimately ruining his appetite and hair). celia is comfort.

celia is steadfast. he can be steadfast too.  
celia is strong. he can be strong, too.

he can win. if he needs help to win, so be it.

he just can't _lose._

four; when he steps through the gate of control, he cries. he cries as hard as he did in iron year when he told celia. out of the corner of his sharp eyes, he can see her. she is excited. so are rafe and gwenda. he grins through happy tears. 

he is a copper year. 

mother and father still wouldn't be proud of him. he's broken two rules too much already: 1. be the best mage. 2. be chosen by master rufus.

they will never be proud of him. he accepts this as if someone is taking his soul. he refuses.

his countenance is somber after negative thoughts fling away every positive thing in his life. celia notices and ruffles his hair. he grimaces but smiles quickly soon after. celia is his best friend. he hopes he is celia's.

he stays at the house for break. he partakes in lessons from grandmother. she is estranged and lives away from the family. he visits her in secret. father and mother don't know she still exists. they work on his weak spells. he practices offense and defense using fire. they work on air, earth, and water as well. 

grandmother also shows him her best skill. she is telekinetic and is able to move objects from around fifty to one hundred miles. she also helps him project emotions and memories to other living things. they start with animals, and never actually perform mental spells on humans or mages. she explains that it is dangerous to project many multiple memories or emotions on organisms with complex brains. 

he floats through the summer with that schedule. wake up, eat breakfast with mother, lessons with grandma, go home for lunch, prepare an excuse and never use the excuse, go back to grandma, eat dinner with father, go to sleep.

his parents announce that they are invited to the rajavis and smile to themselves as if the handmade golden-embellished letter/envelope stationary set is the ticket to getting back onto the assembly of mages. he smiles with his parents and dials grandmother with his phone. he pleads with her. she says that she will not allow him to skip the party and hangs up after giving her reasons. he hangs his head in defeat, feeling her authoritative presence fill his room even with her absence. 

he goes to the party. he acts like he enjoys it. he smiles politely and converses with the guests. his parents need this. maybe through him they can get into the good graces of the assembly of mages. his mood does a full one eighty when he sees a small movement and immediately knows that it's that mangy chaos-ridden wolf. callum is here. he grins and sets down the shot glass filled with juice (not alcohol, of course; that would be unsightly). 

callum rushes up to him, gripping havoc's leash (he has no idea where the boy even got it – but he bets tamara has something to do with it). he pretends to be surprised. he pretends that he has nothing to do with callum. he passes him off as a nothing. the slow-minded butler actually believes him. _what an idiot._

he feels tamara's presence before she pushes him out of the way to, of course, go up to callum and hug him and greet him and invite him in, just like a true rajavi.

only, tamara is too nice. he starts to feel himself growing ever so detached from her. not too long after break, she presented as an alpha. he sees aaron rushing up to greet callum as well. come to think of it, he's heard something about the makar also being an alpha. he realizes that the rumor must be true as soon as he catches a whiff of woody pine and sea salt. an unusual scent combination, but nevertheless claimed by an alpha. he hasn't had any contact with callum, so he's got no idea what the third fit in master rufus' group could be. he thinks that callum hasn't presented yet, because he can't smell anything from him.

he doesn't see tamara, aaron, or callum for the rest of the party. it dies down and the dewinters finally, _finally_ go home.

school starts. grandma's lessons have helped. he is the top apprentice in master milagros' division and celia gives him a big smile. he smiles back. he thanks her silently for being there.

for the rest of the year, they talk and talk and talk (even while doing lessons, they talk. they're 'helping each other out,' is what they tell master milagros). he feels happier during copper year. it will probably be one of the better years.

one night, he sees tamara, aaron and, callum. they have duffel bags slung across one shoulder and havoc behind them on that hideous leash. he almost feels sorry for the chaos-ridden. then he remembers that the wolf has never been through what he feels because callum actually loves havoc. 

like always, he has to poke his head into other peoples' business. (he's already figured out their intentions, what with everything that has gone on in the past few weeks with the gauntlet missing and callum's father under suspect). needless to say, of course he gets dragged into it.

he wonders how he ends up sleeping next to aaron (partly because call – he's gotten accustomed to calling him that now – somewhat makes him nervous and tamara is a female _and_ an alpha, which makes it doubly worse) and instantly regrets having done anything. he ends up punching the makar. whoops.

he thinks everything is fine until the morning comes. everything is _not_ fine. the sky is pink with dawn and the cars are all silent and unmoving except for one, which is being carried by a large, metal elemental that he instantly recognizes as automotones from his grandmother's storybook descriptions that he thought were all fake. he doesn't tell the others that. instead, he states the obvious and declares that metal elementals are weak to fire. 

in the end, grandmother's lessons come in very handy. after bickering with tamara over who should cast a fire spell, he ends up being the one to do it. he creates a defense fire wall and tells all of them, even callum, to go (he explicitly leaves out using 'run' because that would just be _rude_ ). callum ends up helping him.

he sighs despite everything that's happening. 

he is happy. he helped. he is helpful.

he isn't useless. unconsciously, he sends emotions to the trio. he holds his head high.

he's won.

five; fast forward to bronze year. he starts dating celia. it's awkward. it's spur of the moment. they're only best friends. he doesn't actually see her that way. she is a beta and he is an omega. it is taboo, for some people. especially for the dewinters. he dreads going back home. their relationship ends promptly after gwenda declares that she is disgusted and wants to switch rooms. celia breaks off their relationship and he agrees. they go back to being best friends. 

he senses more problems and more suspicion emanating from the other mages. he realizes that it's about aaron. there is a spy. he doesn't know who it is. he doesn't think it's aaron. he definitely doesn't think it's celia. there's one flickering emotion switching from glee to hatred and back again continuously. it confuses him amidst all the other emotions he constantly feels surrounding him everyday.

on tuesday, they all just shut off. he wakes up in his shared room with rafe, confused. he panics for a few minutes, sweat dripping down his face, fists curled tightly. he feels the beating pulse of his heart. he feels a second erratic rhythm. it's not coming from him. he promptly goes back to sleep.

he goes to lessons as usual. he feels the presence. it's stronger.

and then it's gone. he shivers in class. he asks master milagros if he can use the restroom. she gives him an odd look and obliges. in the hallway, he runs into alex. he's never talked to him very much, only when he hangs around kimiya. he mumbles a quick apology, then stops. he stares at alex's retreating form. 

he's found the second beat. it's alex. and something's _off._

he should have said something sooner. tears stream down his face as celia hugs him. he cries. he is useless. 

aaron is deathly injured. 

he should have said something. _anything._

he joins tamara to give call food while he lays on his bed, deathly pale and face frozen in a seemingly permanent state of shock. he, for the first time in a while, feels guilt. there is a pit in his stomach and he feels like he'll throw up. he did this to call. he did this to aaron. alex is the spy.

he hates the alkahest. he hates it with all his might. it might save them, but now it definitely won't. it's in the hands of alexander strike, a definite force to be reckoned with. alex is going to kill call. he lets his face fall into his hands later, when he's in his room. he cries again. he stops crying when he can't cry anymore. he stumbles to a trash can (he thanks his past self for fighting rafe so hard on the subject) and vomits into it. 

rafe finds him there. he helps clean everything. he's grateful for rafe. then he thinks of aaron and call again and starts crying. apparently his water ducts replenish quickly.

he feels fine the day after. aaron wakes up in the afternoon. master milagros dismisses him when master rufus and tamara appear in the doorway to tell him the news. he hugs celia tightly and bursts into tears. he's so, so thankful to whatever god there is. he hopes call is alright, despite all the times they've bickered and fought and bickered some more. 

he finds that he doesn't always have to win. he can try his best. and that's enough. 

he hugs tamara and aaron. he even hugs call. they are his friends now.

plus one; he is the lowest of the low. he's run out of suppressants. he has never had a heat until now. he regrets everything. he has kept everything under wraps from iron up to the middle of gold year. 

so why now?

he frantically checks his bag with _JDW_ embroidered on it. he ignores the negative memories of his older brother that the initials always give him. he rummages through the bag five times, turns out all of its pockets and comes up with nothing. he looks through any of his pockets – the clothes hanging in the closet, the clothes he's wearing right now, even rafe's clothes. 

he feels the burn that he remembers from five years ago bubble up in his chest. he panics.

"no, no, no, no, no, no, _no_ –"

he feels the tears. he feels the sweat. he feels the slick. he's covered in them. he collapses knees-first onto the ground. he curls up into a ball and cries for eternity. he's laid there for about an hour until he hears the door open. he hears a sharp intake of breath.

"jasper!" it's celia, thankfully. she knows already.

unfortunately, he's in a world full of pain. it hurts twenty times worse than before, and he feels gross. he feels disgusting. he _is_ disgusting.

he then realizes that he still has to go to lessons. he totally forgot. he tells celia this. she frowns and refuses to take him to class. instead, she says she'll just tell master milagros the problem and that 'she'll understand.' before he can protest, celia's already out the door.

he waits and waits for celia to come back. begrudgingly, he starts to crawl for his bed. he should be able to lay down. his stomach hurts. slick pours and soaks the back of his pants. sweat stains his shirt. he's stopped crying by now, but the pain overrules the pleasure.

apparently celia forgot about him or something because she still isn't back yet. he continues to wait, but nothing happens. he thinks that it's probably lunch time. he then realizes that aaron, tamara, and callum are probably worried. he panics yet again. he hasn't told them. 

as soon as he scrabbles for the covers, the door opens and who does he see but said trio. speak of the devil. 

tamara walks into the room first. he sees her pupils dilate. he thinks that aaron's are probably like that too. by this time, he knows that call is an omega. he presented right after everything settled down. callum is lucky. callum's father doesn't care about his biology. callum's father doesn't raise impossible standards for him. callum has friends that support and are there for him. callum has everything that jasper doesn't have. reputation. brains. power. money, even. 

_love._ callum's got love from almost everyone. after he was released from magisterium prison by the head of the assembly of mages (he silently thanks ms. tarquinn), callum was immediately surrounded by aaron, kisses and hugs included. tamara was accepted in for hugs, too. he could only watch. 

he isn't that close yet. aaron and callum love each other. who would love him?

grandmother, the only one of the dewinter clan, was the only one who acknowledged him as if he was actually a _person_. he was devastated when he found he was the only one that went to her funeral. everything in her will, which was not much but still gratefully accepted, was addressed to him. he cried. he had gone home crying. his parents hadn't said a word, even when he had projected his emotions onto them. (they would never, _ever_ understand.)

callum is the last to enter. the trio just stands there, and he stares at them. they stare back. he wants to crack a joke, but his vision is too blurry and he fears that his voice will crack before he can say anything good.

call asks the question that he dreads. 

"how could you not tell us? i thought we were friends."

through the wispy scent of chrysanthemums and cherry blossoms, jasper breaks down crying. tamara and aaron thankfully stay back and let call tend to the asian gold year for the rest of the day. 

call talks to him. he reprimands him. he cries with him. he complains about him. he sucks all of it up. it distracts him from his heat. he is grateful.

his heat lasts for a month. he realizes that it's all because of his suppressed heat cycles. he thinks his parents will be disgraced and will hate him forever now. his secret is out. he has no more suppressants. he was gone from lessons for too long of a time. he hasn't learned anything and he bets that his ranking has lowered.

master milagros and master rufus know. gwenda and rafe know. tamara, aaron, and call know now. everyone in the collegium probably knows (when he finally gets out, jasper smells chrysanthemums and cherry blossoms in the halls, looping around and around everywhere).

he didn't want them to know.

when call deems him ready to be sent out, he finds multiple letters from his division and flowers from tamara and aaron. he sees an assigned homework list from master milagros. what makes him cry all over again is a beautiful white rose from his parents. 

it's the dewinter emblem.

he is weak, now. everyone knows that jasper dewinter is a useless, measly omega that belongs to an equally useless, damaged family that can't even stay on the assembly of mages for a complete _year_.

jasper hugs call. he is pained for a whole day and doesn't come out until the next.

he is greeted by niceties and smiles. jasper doesn't understand. he sits with his friends at lunch as usual and waits for snickers to come from another table. they don't come. he pushes away his food and excuses himself to the library.

he sits there and waits. he stares at the shelf in front of the table he's sitting at. call joins him. jasper sends him all of the memories of the past years, and call presses a kiss to his cheek.

he doesn't need to win. he can lose.

jasper stands up and searches for a book on the shelf. he finds it and flips to page forty five. he leaves it open on the table and scrawls on it with a spare pen he keeps in his pants pocket.

he leaves with call, laughing.

 

_'i am loved.'_

**Author's Note:**

> the heat scenes are not supposed to be detailed or graphic because this is not the main focus of the fic lol  
> i've always wanted to do the five plus one format but i never actually had a topic to write about, and i was super inspired after i read this fic where jasper had an inferiority complex hc  
> also, the rose isn't a sign of disownment or anything it's just a sign that jasper's parents finally acknowledge his existence. they're basically saying that they're proud of him.


End file.
